piss.

(no subject)

Life is not so good right now.

I'm stressed out of my mind. I can't seem to keep my emotions in check. I'm crying all the time. I hate it. School, schedule, social life, self-esteem, parents, personal problems, transition (OR LACK THEREOF), all of it. Nothing seems to be going right. I just feel like I'm trying so hard and that it's still just not good enough. I can't deal with it. I know my standards for myself are too high, but I can't help it. I know I can do everything, I know I'm capable of it, but everything is working against me. I don't have enough time. I don't know what to do. I'm trying. I tell myself that this'll all just pass with time, that I need to square my shoulders and act like the man I feel that I am and just need to keep trucking on. I really am trying.

I just kind of want right now to be over. Right now.
  • Current Mood
    emo like crazy, yeah.
don't feel so good.

(no subject)

So so so so so so so tired.

Hell Week and the beginning of the new semester. Between panicking over Chemistry Honors and trying to get all my homework done on time and scrambling madly to fix the sound equipment and get all the tracks down properly on the cue CD and running around trying to help fix every little last-minute crisis and rehersals, I haven't had much time for anything other than stress this past week. It wasn't pretty, but it's almost over.

I did have my first appointment with the pyschotherapist on Monday, though. It actually wasn't particularly exciting -- the lady was nice enough and listened well while I responded to her prompts and stuff. Since it was just the first appointment, nothing much really happened outside of me explaining myself and my beliefs and wants to her, but she says next time we're probably going start making moves towards constructing some sort of timeline to transitioning. I haven't talked much to my parents about the appointment since I've barely been home all week, but we'll get there.

I'm almost down to 115 pounds, which means I'm about ten away from my ultimate goal (~105), but I've gone down two belt notches and my pants are feeling considerably looser. My thighs and calves still look awfully large but I've definitely slimmed up a bit. By my birthday next month I think I'm going to try buying new pants again, and hopefully it won't be such a disheartening experience as last time.
  • Current Music
    CAKE: Frank Sinatra
don't feel so good.

(no subject)

So my dad was forwarded a psychotherapist from the number that my GP had provided him. A Dr. Laihin Josephine Cheung. My mom has a pre-appointment with her or something next week before I actually get to meet her, which makes me feel a little, I don't know, disgruntled. I don't like the idea of having my mom and the therapist talk about me without my being there to explain or defend myself and her maybe getting a wrong impression of me and what I'm going through. And I checked the therapist's site, and it doesn't say anything about her having had any experience with transgendered or even any gay clients before. My parents didn't think to ask, so I think maybe I'm going to e-mail her to see. I don't know. I'm just really getting stressed over this, on top of the anxiety of finals and Hell Week (theater stuff) and DI (more theater stuff) and the new classes for the next semester. All I can do is wait and do the best I can with what I have in the meantime, I guess.

[edit:] Collapse )
  • Current Music
    Radiohead: I Might Be Wrong
peekaboo House!

(no subject)

SUPERFICIAL SHALLOW POST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

So, hair.

In terms of body hair, I'm pretty noncommittal. I could do with or without it, though I have to say that I really kind of want a happy trail. That said, I think I'm actually getting armpit hair. More so in my right 'pit than my left. Cool.

As for facial hair, uh. While I'm still going as a girl, my little 'stache is really kind of embarrassingly ugly, but as a guy, it doesn't really matter to me. I would, however, kill for some sideburns.

Not so happy with my actual head hair at the moment. I vastly prefer short hair to longer hair on guys, but I've yet to find a style that suits my facial features and shape. I'll grow it out for now and we'll see where things take us then. Maybe if/once I get on T, my face will change enough for me to pull it off better.

Speaking of which, I think my hope for getting T in the next year was a bit idealistic. Given my parent's skepticism and reluctance, my age, and the average rate of guys getting on T after so-and-so years of therapy or whatever, I think I might've been a little too optimistic. But, y'know, here's hoping.
  • Current Music
    RENT: What You Own
don't feel so good.

(no subject)

Post-period hormones are hitting me hard tonight. It's odd. My mind knows that I'm actually okay right now, that things really aren't all that bad, that this unhappiness will pass with time and I shouldn't pay it any mind, that there are people who love me and support me, that I'm really not that much of a horrible ugly disgusting lame person, all those things... but it doesn't stop me from feeling really, really shitty. My mood isn't agreeing with my mindset, and it's frustrating.

Ha ha, this post is really emo. That's okay. I'm going to go to sleep now and eat a grilled cheese sandwich in the morning and things'll probably start looking up after a bit. Though the weather probably won't have improved.
  • Current Music
    Styx: Wheel in the Sky
piss.

(no subject)

Happy New Year's.

I'm actually going to attempt to make serious resolutions this year. Most of my life I've been pretty slack in this department, but lately I've been getting more and more organized, and making lists and setting goals for myself has really helped me -- not just in getting towards my impending transition, but with life in general. Collapse )
  • Current Music
    Mozart: [Requiem Mass] Dies Irae
one more can't possibly hurt.

(no subject)

Fussing about my weight and image. With holiday stuff practically done with and me still on vacation, it's been difficult to distract myself from really, really not liking my body. It's not just that I haven't got a proper boy's body, but my body by female standards is a pretty poor picture as well. Short and chubby and not particularly attractive. My main issue's with my fat -- I was born pretty flabby and and have mostly stayed that way (which my entire last year of overeating and vegetating in front of the computer probably didn't help much), and without height to even things out, well. Things're pretty bad. But on a more optimistic note, I'm a pound away from my goal weight that I made somewhere in early November, which includes the weight of the muscle that I've gained since then. That's ten pounds or so in two months, which ain't so bad. But I haven't noticed any physical change, and I still cannot fit into decent-looking boy pants. Guess I just gotta keep trucking on.

Looks like my plan to transition next semester won't work, at the rate things're progressing. But even if I have to switch over in the middle of the term, it'll be worth it just to be recognized as me. I need time to accumulate clothing and a binder and to lose some more lbs, anyhow.

Still waiting on my dad to make set up a psychologist appointment. Talking to him and my mom about this is hard. I don't want to push things or make drama, but I do want them to know that I am not looking for attention and that I am serious about this, dammit. This is not like saying that I want to go live in the woods or that I would draw anthropomorphic animals forever or that I would become a vegetarian (all phases that I went through in my childhood and ultimately abandoned, though I really would go vegetarian if I didn't love tacos and my mother's fish so much). This is who I am and how I want to express myself and how I want to live.

Doesn't make talking to them about my transgenderism easier, though. Especially when my mom starts to cry and my dad gets that look in his eye, the one where he looks like he's wondering where he went wrong.
  • Current Music
    Rasputina: When I Was A Young Girl (HA.)
don't feel so good.

(no subject)

Went to Old Navy with my dad this morning. Nothing in the boy's or men's section looks good on me -- all of the pants that my hips can actually fit are huge in the leg width and makes it look like I have two tree trunks attatched to my pelvis. The pants that fit my legs are too wee for my fucking fat arse. Went home empty-handed, not to mention depressed and discouraged. Gotta lose my chub before shopping again, looks like. Shit.

Doctor's appointment was actually pretty uneventful. Basically, I explained my situation to her, my mom added in her bit occasionally, and the doc kind of just gave my parents the green light to go ahead and start getting me into therapy and work towards whatever'll make me comfortable and happy with myself. Otherwise, not much happened. A teeny tiny step in the right direction, but a step nonetheless. But now we gotta find a good shrink, which'll take god knows how long. Things are going awfully slow.
  • Current Mood
    could be better.
GEEKERY! ARC TROOPER RED IS LOVE.

(no subject)

Happy holidays, people, to you and all your loved ones and stuff. Have a great time and take it easy. <3

My extended family came over for dinner and presents and Vietnamese karaoke. My relatives barely know me and my sister at all, and every year they give us a bunch of girly shit that we never use. It makes me feel bad because they're just wasting their money on gifts that they only feel obligated to give because they happen to be related to my parents. I wouldn't mind getting nothing, if it meant not being wasteful. But I suppose it's the thought that counts and for that I really am thankful.

I almost can't wait for school to start up again. I've been eating like crazy, and I really need to distract myself from food.

My doctor's appointment is in two days. Cue anxiety.
  • Current Music
    Cake: It's Coming Down