December 28th, 2006

one more can't possibly hurt.

(no subject)

Fussing about my weight and image. With holiday stuff practically done with and me still on vacation, it's been difficult to distract myself from really, really not liking my body. It's not just that I haven't got a proper boy's body, but my body by female standards is a pretty poor picture as well. Short and chubby and not particularly attractive. My main issue's with my fat -- I was born pretty flabby and and have mostly stayed that way (which my entire last year of overeating and vegetating in front of the computer probably didn't help much), and without height to even things out, well. Things're pretty bad. But on a more optimistic note, I'm a pound away from my goal weight that I made somewhere in early November, which includes the weight of the muscle that I've gained since then. That's ten pounds or so in two months, which ain't so bad. But I haven't noticed any physical change, and I still cannot fit into decent-looking boy pants. Guess I just gotta keep trucking on.

Looks like my plan to transition next semester won't work, at the rate things're progressing. But even if I have to switch over in the middle of the term, it'll be worth it just to be recognized as me. I need time to accumulate clothing and a binder and to lose some more lbs, anyhow.

Still waiting on my dad to make set up a psychologist appointment. Talking to him and my mom about this is hard. I don't want to push things or make drama, but I do want them to know that I am not looking for attention and that I am serious about this, dammit. This is not like saying that I want to go live in the woods or that I would draw anthropomorphic animals forever or that I would become a vegetarian (all phases that I went through in my childhood and ultimately abandoned, though I really would go vegetarian if I didn't love tacos and my mother's fish so much). This is who I am and how I want to express myself and how I want to live.

Doesn't make talking to them about my transgenderism easier, though. Especially when my mom starts to cry and my dad gets that look in his eye, the one where he looks like he's wondering where he went wrong.
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