KENNEDY (mrgentlemansir) wrote,
KENNEDY
mrgentlemansir

I just completed my student registration form for the next year at school. I tried putting it off for as long as I could but my mom has been hounding me all day to get it done. There's a "Christine" under "First Name" and an "F" under "Gender." I can't find it in me to deal with arguing with my parents about it.

It's just... these past three weeks have been just complete and utter shit. This semester has just been off to the worst start possible. There's so much work and so little time and so much to remember that I just end up not remembering anything at all. I'm so used to being one of the smart kids and doing well and now I feel like I'm behind in everything and like I'm the stupidest student in class. I've always thought of myself as pretty well-adjusted and not dramatic and fairly good at rolling with life's punches, but I've been crying at least once almost every day for the past couple of weeks now, and I had a complete nervous breakdown last Friday after royally fucking up in both my chemistry and math tests *during fourth block, in front of everyone in the drama department office -- so embarrassing). And on top of all this stress and depression that school's been giving me, I've still got all the usual anxiety about myself and my family and gender and transition and coming out. I don't really know what to do.

I'm still trying to convince myself that shit happens and life goes on and that the only thing to do is just keep going at it, but at the end of the day I feel as bad as ever. Just...bad. Bad at math, bad at school, bad at being a good child, bat at being a sibling, bad at being a friend, bad at being a boy, bad at not controlling myself, bat at not crying, bad at dealing with things, bad at everything. I talk things out with my parents and my family and my friends, I don't procrastinate nearly as much and I do my homework and take notes like a crazy person and study, and I don't do anything stupid like cut or binge or have sex or do drugs. I do everything right, so why does everything seem like it's going so wrong?

Shit. Every time I think I'm done crying and I finally have control of myself, it just starts up again. Fuck. STOP. Why can't I deal with this? I should be able to. I should.

I'm going to stop this here now. I don't have anything left in me to write anymore right now. I have chemistry homework to finish.
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