Cleaned my room today. Threw away most of what girly shit I had, stored the rest in boxes in the garage, and hid what was left. There are still a few somewhat feminine aspects like candles and my asston of scarves and the drawings of cute guys snogging on the walls, but for the most part, it's pretty unisex, and passably boyish, I think. I'm pleased.
I really need pants. So far I've only got one pair that I feel comfortable going out in, and those are girl pants. Except for the part where I'm still gross and chubby and while I seem to be losing WEIGHT, I am losing no noticeable FAT. WHAT.
Also definitely going to get a haircut this week. I'm starting to have to shake my hair out of my eyes like some lame emo kid, and when I wear my hat a mini-mullet sticks out under the back. Not good. Don't know what barber or hair stylist I'm going to go to, though. I've almost always had my hair cut by my mom, and the barber guy I went to once or twice was this middle-aged conservative Vietnamese man who I'm not sure would cut my hair the way I'd want it to be cut. I don't know.
Only a week or so until that stupid doctor's appointment. Why is everything taking so long?
Courtesy of my sister, I now have boxers. Four pairs of 'em, in fact.
I'm in this really shitty in-between stage where I'm out to a lot of people that I'm going to be transitioning soon, but not actually yet transitioning. It's really uncomfortable and awkward and depressing. I don't seem to be losing weight quickly enough and I can't buy more guy's clothing yet ('specially since nothing that looks good can fit my fat ass and stumpy legs) and I'm still waiting on a binder... I need to make an appointment with my doctor before I can get an appointment with a psychiatrist (and get on my way to getting some T), which could take any number of weeks or months. I don't really pass at all and nobody calls me by any male pronouns (I haven't summoned up the bollocks to really ask yet), and it feels like a sucker punch to the stomach every time somebody calls me "she" or "her" or "Christine" or "Chrissy." I don't know if I'm going to be able to pass soon enough by the time next grading period rolls around, and if it doesn't, transitioning in the middle of the semester would just be even more difficult. My parents aren't taking me seriously (though my sister is trying to help by getting me boxers for Christmas), I haven't had the chance to talk to my friends about it, and ... I don't know. Things are just looking pretty blah right now.
I'm trying to stay positive, but every day stuck looking like and being percieved as a girl is getting harder and harder.
Came out that I was, uh, coming out to some of my closer friends today. I feel really silly for having agonized over it for so long, now that it's done. I love my friends.
Talked to my dad about it when I came home. Actually, he brought it up, and we discussed me and gender and stuff. I get that he's probably not very comfortable with it, but I think he accepts it more than my mom, though he thinks that the influence of our/my very liberal society is affecting my perception of gender and sexuality, etc. etc., but he agrees that it's not necessarily a bad thing and that repressing it isn't good, either. I think he really does just want me to be happy with who I am, though he did ask if I wanted to see a therapist about it, or something. Which I do, since I think I want to go on T and have eventually have top-surgery sometime in my future.
I don't know. I'm just really happy and excited. If really, really being a guy means that I can feel like this about myself, then it's totally going to be worth every step of the uphill climb it's gonna take to get there.
Went to the Gogol Bordello/Primus concert last night, which half rocked because Gogol Bordello (!!!) , and half sucked because, well, Primus. But let's not go into that. The concert was so much fun, but I felt so feminine and awkward and ugly and tiny, surrounded by assloads of attractive tall white guys in their late teens and early twenties. Lots and lots of jealousy going on now, not to mention a good heaping bucket of doubt that I'd ever pass for a boy any older than fifteen (which is not so bad right now, seeing as I AM fifteen, but later this is going to be a bitch, I can just tell).
Lots of ups and downs right now. At home alone, I feel so confident and determined to just do it and become a guy for good, but at school or with my parents home, it's like a huge cloud of doubt just looms up over me and rains insecurity and uncertainty and fear down on my head. It sucks, to say the least.
Talked to my sister yesterday. I'm out to her, and she's really accepting and supportive (my siblings are cool like that). We watched Queer Eye together afterwards, the episode with the FTM guy named Miles that I downloaded a while back, which I'm hoping to be able to show to my parents sometime soon.
I think I have cabin fever or something. I've got all this pent up energy from being stuck inside the house sleeping all day and I really really want to go out and just DO something, but I CAN'T because I'm still sick and still feel like crap. It's driving me crazy. I hate being sick.
Mom is STILL calling me "my girl/my daughter" all the time despite the two times I pointedly asked her to stop. Not doing much for my current state of grouchiness.
Hair on my sideburns have grown back, but as the most pathetic peach fuzz I've ever seen. No sign of my happy trail. CUE DISMAY AND DESPAIR.
It's raining. I'm sick and my throat hurts. I feel miserable and awkward and ugly and frustrated and tired. I don't seem to be losing any weight and I don't have any decent binders and I haven't been able to go shopping for boy clothes yet and my happy trail and sideburns haven't come in the slightest bit yet either.
Today wasn't such a good day. Here's hoping things get better tomorrow.
[edit:] Lately I've been feeling uncomfortable with my parents calling me "con gai" ('my daughter/ my girl' in Vietnamese, just a general way of referring to one's children) and this evening I talked to my mom about it, and she laughed, somewhat incredulously, asking me, what did she expect her to call me, "con trai" ('my son/ my boy') or something? and part of me was yelling "yes! yes!" but I said no, that "con" ('my child/ mine') would do for now, and she just sort of shrugged... That compromise sits kind of okay with my general gender-neutrality for now, but my mom's...I don't know, lack of taking me seriously bothers me. My parents aren't disgusted or angry (yet), but they're not exactly supportive and are half of the time just humoring me, and half of the time just kind of...dismissive. They think that this is all just a phase (my mom said that she felt exactly like me when she was younger and she grew out of it and that this is just a natural stage of development and that I'm thinking about it too much), which I don't necessarily agree with but accept that it could be true...but I hate the way it makes me doubt myself all the time. As if I'm not struggling enough with myself as it is, you know?
Okay, that's enough angsting for today. Kennedy out. </lame>
[edit edit:] So, I lied. But this was too good to pass up -- according to another name site, 'Kennedy' also means 'armoured/ misshapen head.' ...I guess it's still pretty fitting. Not flattering, perhaps, but fitting. I'm pretty stubborn and hard-headed. Heh.
Spent Thanksgiving in L.A. with my family and relatives. Ate too much, but played football and soccer with my brother and my dad some, so it wasn't so bad. Rewatched a couple of nautical-themed movies (PoTC, M&C) and had a jolly old time. Despite my lubberly lack of sea legs, I'm a sailor at heart, really.
Binding is not going so well. Nothing that I've tried is really working, but I have no ways of procuring an actual binder or compression shirt of any kind. I don't have a credit card, my parents wouldn't let me use theirs, and none of my friends have credit cards, either.
Still feeling pretty gross and fat. I think my exercise enthusiasm is waning. Not good.
Okay. Wore the control top again today, but with a different lighter colored shirt so I couldn't double it up over this time, otherwise it looked like my chest was hideously deformed. So I just let the lower bit fold up, the way it'd normally roll up, which was okay for the first hour but got to the point where I had to take it off at lunchtime because of the chafing and the way it felt like it was compressing my chest. My upper chest and rib cage kind of hurt right now, and I'm having a little bit of difficulty swallowing (mucus? I don't know), but it's scaring me a little. I think I'm going to go back to my looser binder made out of tights (irony, anyone?), 'least until I lose a bit of weight.
Shaved my happy trail and a little ways down my pathetic sideburns in hopes of them growing in darker. I hope this works, because otherwise I'll be pissed. Peach fuzz it may be, it's still hair.
I think I'm going to transition or at least come out next semester, when we switch blocks and teachers and I can introduce myself as Kennedy. That gives me enough time to start working on buying more men's clothing and getting into shape and stuff, as well as mentally preparing myself before I really start going as a guy.
I keep trying to write about my feelings and stuff, but it never comes out right. It's a struggle to articulate things as it is, and however much I want to explain my emotions, words just aren't coming out. Better luck next time.
The FTM LJ communnity in general is just awesome. People are so nice and supportive and full of really great advice, I'm so full of thanks for you all. <3